We first met when we were very young. I was 19, he was 22. It was my first job and he was my first love. There were sparks between us that I had only seen between two people in movies. You think those things don't happen in real life. And then it happens to you, and all you can think about is your love. Every moment spent awake is for them. I was in love.
Things didn't work out between us.
We had many reasons for us to not work out. I can put the blame of us breaking up on our egos. We killed our relationship because we kept our egos above each other. We were too young. We didn't realise what a stupid mistake we had made by ending things between us because no one was ready to compromise. We didn't think we should have tried harder. We didn't think this would be the biggest regret of our lives.
Because deep within... something special is still alive. And no matter how hard I try to push this feeling away, it lingers.
Today, we both are married. The sad part is, that we are married to two different people. Leading lives completely different from each other. We have children with our respective partners. But I still miss him. I think of him in my sorrows and my happiness. I think of him in my achievements and my losses. I think of him day in and day out. I still spend every waking moment thinking about him.
I have a loving husband and beautiful children. But having everything that could make me happy, isn't enough. Both of us aren't happy.
We have our families but we are not happy with them. We want each other. We wish we hadn't been so stupid back when we were together. We wish we were married to each other, life would've been so much fuller, deeper, and more meaningful. So we decided not to leave our partners for the sake of our children.
We cannot break our families. We can't be selfish.
But I keep thinking... Aren't we living a false life by living with someone we don't love as deeply as we love each other? Wouldn't our children be happier if we are happier? Wouldn't it be better to be fully present with them than being half-absent in missing someone all our lives?
I know I can be a better wife than I am, but only to him. I can be a better mother to my children, but only with him. I can be a better version of myself with him.
I am unable to decide what I should do. Logic and common sense say that I'm being irrational. I should be headstrong. I should forget about him. I should learn to love my husband. I should keep living with him for our kids.
There's no point in going back to something that once was... What's gone should be gone forever. We both have changed. We are not who we used to be .. and we don't know if getting back together will be a good idea or not. Maybe we were not meant to be. Maybe it is time we accept that.
We can't put our children at stake. It is a big gamble. But my heart just refuses to believe that we weren't meant to be. It refuses to let go of him. It just wants what it wants.
I know we will end up living the rest of our lives missing each other if we are not together. Is this a life worth living?