I am living with a disability. I can see this world and admire its beauty. I can talk for hours and hours. I am not crippled but yes I am disabled. I am unable to feel happiness. I am disabled because I cannot see the goodness of others. I am disabled because I cannot understand the love and care that people have for me.
And trust me, it is not easy to live with this disability either. This world, when they look at me they see an always-smiling and vibrant girl with a perfect body and a beautiful smile.But what they don’t see is my disability.
Trust me, I can give anything to be able to function and think like a normal person, to be able to perform my daily tasks in peace. I want to be able to think and see things clearly. I am blind. I am blind because I do not see the love of my family. I am blind to every beautiful and good thing about this life. I am blind to the reasons why I should be alive. I am deaf to people who appreciate me when they say how much they love and care for me. Maybe that’s why I always look for validation from others. Daily when I go to bed, all I think about is whether I am worthy of living on this earth. Am I not a burden on my husband and my family? Yes, I am also dumb. I am dumb when it comes to saying things I feel. I am dumb because I cannot express myself in this world and show the real me. Every other day, I fight with my inner demons to live.
My brain always tricks me and tells me the reasons why I shouldn’t be alive, why it would be better if I die, why I am unworthy of living in this world, why I can’t be good person.
Each time my inner demon won, it left me with nothing but scars for life. There are scars on my body and soul. Life is not what you make it. Life is what your brain makes you feel. It is hard to live with this disability not because it makes you feel unworthy of everything good in this world but it is harder because people fail to see my disability and I can’t expect their support. Though I am with people all day long, the fact is that I am all alone. I, alone, am fighting with the inner me.
No, I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of losing myself to this brain one day. I am afraid of killing myself one day.