There are a chain of situations in your life which turns you around 360 degrees. I used to be a cheerful, simple girl. I was self motivated and believed in taking actions rather than pondering on why things happened. I lost my father to cancer. I was with him during his last months and I have seen my father fighting to live with all his strength.
He had put all his strength in it without showing us how painful it was.
Until I lost him, I thought I was strong enough to face it. But then life happened. I would get flashbacks of each and every instance of the hospital journey. I was carrying the guilt of not being able to save him. But then my family and friends helped me to come out of that guilt.
Now it has been two years, I have accepted his absence, but I am suffering from anxiety.
I have been through situations where I have stood strong and acted as the situations demanded, but now even the sound of an alarm in the morning makes me scared of what exactly, I don't know. The feeling of losing what I am attached to makes me scared. I can feel every minute the feeling of pain. There were days when I cried and cried for no reason. My boyfriend, who is a very practical human being, stood with me, encouraging me to come out of it. My elder brother stands like a shield for me.
I have even tried to spend time with my oldest friends who have really stayed with me.
It has really helped but in the end, I have to be my own hero. Because I feel this fear within me all the time, except the hours that I sleep. I keep myself engaged in hobbies. Trust me, I know how strong this anxiety is, to change you from a normal cheerful human being to a scared little girl.
I just want to be normal again.
I look at people and wonder how happy and normal they are, and I feel stuck within my own self. I am currently at a place in life, where most people dream to be. I have had my poems published. But still each and every day I wake up to anxiety and it pulls me down every time. I feel like I am sinking every moment. I fight with it every day. And I know someday I will win over it, no matter how intense it may be. To people like me, I want to say keep trying, perhaps it's just about overcoming it with what we can create. Once we are determined to come out of it, we will be able to.
And people can support us but at the end of the day, we gotta save ourselves.