He Was A Drunkard And An Abuser, Yet I Loved My Father

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 28 February, 2018

BLEEDING RELATIONS! I am writing my story so that it may help any parents to have a healthy relationship with their kids, for kids to understand their parents and for victims like me to not lose hope.

I have suffered from every relationship I have been in.

I felt like giving up like giving up every time, my dreams always got scattered and I fell every time I rose. I was mocked, criticized, taunted, cheated and I hated everyone on this planet. I was full of negativity and felt like killing everyone on this planet.

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No human is born with depression.

The society, upbringing, struggles of the child and other emotional issues contribute a majority of the reason the child gets depressed. As a child, I had good memories and bad memories, but the bad memories overpowered all the good memories. My parents didn't gel well together. Their differences took a toll on their relationship. Dad became an alcoholic and he constantly fought with Mom. From the age of 3 years or so, I remember dad getting crazy drunk, lying naked on the bed, vomiting on it, mom getting angry as s**t and me being unable to express how I felt.

They kept fighting, he kept getting drunk and beating mom for sex.

They never cared my presence and this continued for a long time. A few months later, things got worse when dad lost his mental balance and mom left him. When dad was not drunk, he was a good man and I enjoyed his presence. But when mom took me and left dad, I missed him like crazy. I wanted to go back to him And thankfully mom decided to stay back, to give their relationship a chance as my need for a father was very much essential.

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We went back to him and he slowly started reviving.

Though he still used to get drunk, the frequency has reduced. Things continued like this. As a child, I had seen too much and had never got that emotional security, love, and care which I deserved. Dad used to get angry at any time and I could not register the reason for his anger, though I was definitely a victim of it. He used to throw away all my books, throw alcohol around the house and burn things.

This situation was tough for someone of the age of 5 years.

Even then, I studied well and books became my friends. I had lost all hope in humanity. Time flew and things got a bit settled. We shifted to our hometown and I was in class 3. My dad slowly reduced his drinks, but yet every time he drank, he would not be in a position to come home and his friends or other people would bring him home. This continued on to even when I became mature and came to a point where my dad started molesting me.

I never had the guts to share this with mom as it might spoil their relationship.
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I never had any friend with whom I could have shared my sorrows with. One day, when my cousin tried misbehaving with me, I told my mom about it, but she told me to keep silent and forget about it. I could not share any of my problems with my parents as mom was not responsive nor gave any good advice and if I said anything to dad he would misbehave with the other person. It was difficult keeping up my stability. I somehow managed my life and studies, went to college, formed relationships, trusted people easily and loved the people who appreciated me.

For a few moments of love, care and understanding or making me feel good, I was ready to do anything for those guys.

Getting into a relationship was easy, but staying in it was difficult, as when the initial love lessened, my insecurities came back and I was not able to manage them. I had moments of uncontrollable emotional outbursts, depression, self-harm and developed suicidal tendencies. My partners couldn't handle it, I didn't trust anyone and doubted everybody. I left home after 10th grade, while my dad slowly stopped drinking, reverting to a normal person and my mom also became stable.

My mind and my emotional securities never settled, as I get crazy furious at times.

Fast-forward to 2018, I am now married to a very successful person and have a daughter of 3 years. My husband is a good person but he is someone, who never expresses his love for me and has nothing to give me apart from his criticism. I overreact not because I don't love him, but because of the abuses that I received through my childhood from people I loved, which have made me mentally weak.

These incidences that happened to me have turned me into a completely insecure person.
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I can't love completely, I can't trust completely and I am not completely confident. I always have doubts and fears that haunt me. My parents, on the other hand, have healed up their relation and now lead an amazing life, whereas I am still repaying their debt. My personal life is a toss. I can't express the pain I feel but please understand - it's very difficult for anyone to lead a life with emotional insecurities. I am still not able to lead a normal healthy life and I fear that my daughter might get affected by my insecurities. It's my humble request to everyone - please don't fight in front of children. Make sure that the children are raised, while seeing a healthy relation. Yes, fights do happen with every family and couple, it's normal and natural, but remember that you have to solve and settle it on the same day. Do this, so that the child knows that despite all the tensions, their parents love and respect each other.

We think that children will not know nor understand what is taking place, but we are wrong.

Children learn by observation and you will need to set a healthy example for them, for their future and for yourself or else they will have to face failure in relationships.Be friends with your children, but make sure you don't share personal issues between you and your spouse with them. Being a friend to your kids means providing a friendly environment for them, where they can easily approach you and share their issues with you so that you can guide them on the correct path. Love yourself and your kids as well. It's all in your hands, whether they make it or break it and I am sure all you want the former.

Think about it and act accordingly!
Editor's Note:

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