He Started Touching Me When I Was 5 But He Didn't Take Away My Virginity: Thank You Bhai

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 22 January, 2017

I was 5 or 6 when it all started. I don't even remember properly. I know that I didn't know what to do.

My parents used to fight every day, every single day.

And then when it all got over, they acted like they loved each other to the moon and back. We are a family of five — ma, papa, my two brothers, and me.

It all started with cuddling. Both my mother and father used to work, so they wouldn't be around to see this. My two brothers and I used to stay at home most days. It used to happen then. I would be watching TV or be taking a nap when my eldest brother would sneak up to me.

My other brother was a free bird, much more than me. He didn't care about what was going on around him. So I was mostly left alone with my eldest brother.

It started with a touch here and a touch there.

I had no idea what he was doing. He made me believe that it was was all okay and that I should be fine with it. I don't remember too much from my childhood but I read articles that said that it was just my brain fooling me. I don't remember much because I'm not sure I can take it anymore. I recently started getting flashes and nightmares about what used to happen. So I want to take it out.

I remember him, my eldest brother, performing oral sex on me. He never raped me, may be because he was scared that papa will find out. There are very few people in this world that papa can't scare away, he is that intimidating. When I reached 7th standard things started falling into place. I started realizing that siblings were not supposed to do what he was doing.

I told him I don't want to do it anymore, I don't like it. He didn't "accept" my NO. Every time I was within an arm's reach, he'd start touching me. 

He'd touch me without fear. Ma and papa never paid attention. They were busy fighting over their relatives and all the men that my mother worked with. I was alone, I was scared, and I was weak.

My brother used to come in my room when I slept and he'd touch me. My body used to get paralysed with fear, I couldn't move my fingers or scream at the top of my lungs. I used to be still and silent. It was torture and I couldn't do anything to stop it. He never penetrated me so I guessed I was still a virgin then what he did, was it considered as rape? I don't know.

He would watch me secretly as I bathed. Sometimes he would enter my room, assuming I'm asleep when I wasn't, he'd start again. I couldn't sleep with him in the house. I still can't sleep in peace with people around me.

He only stopped when I was in 12th standard. He came to me and said sorry.

It didn't mean anything to me because he shamelessly came to me again one night and kissed me in my sleep. I finally opened up to my parents during my graduation years which was 4 years ago.

They said, "Why are you telling us this when it's already over?"

They told me they can't punish any of their children. They don't have that much strength. My mother forced me to recall every gross detail, narrate every incident. Why? Because she wanted to know if my hymen was intact. She was happy to know that it was, she didn't care about what I felt, she cared if was still a 'good girl'.

She beat me up repeatedly after I told her about what happened to me.

She assumed that she was helping me by forcing me to do things she felt were good for me. My intimidating father calls me names and makes me feel like I'm to be blamed. He makes sure I feel cheap and guilty every time he is angry with me.

Whenever I fight with my other brother, he tells me I deserve everything that happened to me.

I am 23 now and still living with my family because I have no other options. My parents aren't in the best of their health and I can't leave them alone for my freedom. I don't want to punish them for how they were with me. I still sleep in my house with one eye open and may be this habit will never come to a stop. I am broken in more than one ways because my family didn't stand by me and I believed that they will. How they reacted was worse than what I felt when my oldest brother touched me.

They did more damage to me because now I feel naked and raped. 
Editor's Note:

If your own family does this to you, what recourse do you have? We as a society need to change, and this change starts now. Share her story so she can free herself from her past and from a group of people that were supposed to be there for her.