He Never Knew I Was Watching As He Wept: I Wanted To Do So Much More

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 28 February, 2018

I love you Shravan. I think this is the only thing you need to know right now.

I'm sorry. I can't carry your sack. I can't walk along with you. I'm sorry for leaving you in the road where you expected me to accompany you. I don't know whether your diary was written without me or my diary was without you. I know what you want for your life, I know it is the thing which you wanted to sip. But, I don't know if it is possible for me to say that I love you again.

I don't want to see you abandoned...
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Maybe that's what's pushing me, to run to you when you're alone because I can't see you abandoned. I will shatter there, losing my essence to love you secretly. I know, you've always wanted a soul to accompany you. But I don't know, whether a deed of hope led to a sin or not. I wanted to see you loved and carrying on with your fulfilled dreams. I'm sorry. I want to be the pillow you hug when you feel loved, but I'm being the pillow which receives your tears and that kills me. Your decisions changed every time, after seeing their attitude towards you. Even my tears can't be seen, I can feel the wetness in my eyes, watching how helplessly you lie, like you are dead on the bed. You used to remember his hand that held you towards him, you used to remember his breath over your face, You used to remember how nicely you fit in his hands, you used to remember his smile, you used to remember how he used to smooch you. 

You also used to remember how your parents differ a lot from him, you used to remember how your parents still pain you, how your parents want you to make a sacrifice for them, only for the sake of their happiness...

I used to see all of it running through your mind. I used to peep all the time when you used to cry. At the moment, I wanted to be the pillow you hugged, but you used to cry holding your blanket. Suddenly, you'd start screaming, tightly closing your eyes, pressing the pillow to your face. I know you wish that pillow to be him.
But, as it can't be, you scream even more and you abruptly get out of the bed to clean your face. Seeing your face in the mirror, I can hear you confess that you love him and your application to God, saying "do as you wish, as I m just here to count the days you let me live". You immediately run to your bed, giving a long kiss to your pillow, while telling yourself that you want to live with him. But, on the other side, I can see your body wounded with the weapons of their curses.

I wanted to rush over to help clean the blood that is gushing from your veins, but you start cleaning it yourself, saying "I can't move beyond your curse". I can see your stress, as you find no place to escape from this pain. You used to think that life is all about achievement and loving the way it is. But it never gave you, the choice to choose what you want. Living a life is always a dream to you, where you are awake and try to make it true.
But it never let you live what you wanted it to be.

All I wanted to say is, I love you.
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