I love my best friend but she loves someone else. Maybe such things are always hazy when we see them through the lens of love.
She cares for me too, but only as a friend.
Sometimes, I feel my love life has reached a dead end and I wonder how I can get out of it. People who care for each other should always be together. But love works in its own funny way.
I was aware right from the very beginning that I was just a temporary favourite character in her life story. But I did my best to be her favourite temporary character.
I tried to make her smile every time she felt sad. I cracked jokes and was always considered the funny person who was always smiling. But the truth was that the smile and the laughter that I used to bring to her face gave me a reason to smile as well. It was a desperate selfish attempt on my part to stay as happy as I could. She was so special to me. She was the type of girl that people wrote poems about. And I fell in love with her.
I did not love her for the way she looked. I loved her for who she was. But she looked pretty great too.
Love changes everything in the relationship - either people come closer together or become strangers. In my case, our friendship was ruined because I loved her.
The day I confessed my love for her, things changed between us.
After that, she always thought of me as a lover. I continued to think of her as my best friend but nothing was the same again. Soon replies came more slowly. Priorities changed. Chats became shorter. Situations were blamed. I tried to get through all this. I tried everything – even alcohol. But nothing was more intoxicating than her memories. I was all messed up and depressed.
A single text from her (even though this happened only once in a while) would lift my spirits. Even the antidepressants failed to create this kind of an effect on me.
We did stop chatting over WhatsApp. But we started talking via our Whats App statuses. I would wait for the whole night just to get a single text from her. But as usual, I would always end up digging up our old conversations. I felt so special even when she ignored me.
It was my birthday and I was so excited because I knew she would definitely call me. She would always call me on my birthday and wish me. I had waited for this very day because this was one of those special days when I could get to hear her voice. She rarely called me now. It was 12 o’ clock and I waited for her call. I spent the whole night waiting for her call. But I was disappointed.
That day I understood that my part in her life story was already over. I had just been a chapter for her but for me, she was my whole book.
I could not even imagine myself parting ways with her. I knew I did not deserve her love. But I also had the sole right of being her best friend. But it was too late now. And then on her birthday, she finally said goodbye to me forever.
She asked me to move on and forget her. She knew that the route I had taken would lead me nowhere. We were not meant for each other so it was better to put an end to our friendship.
She assured me that she would forget me soon. I knew that after what I had done to her we could never be normal friends again. I had fallen in love with her. But I knew I could never get over her.
She did what she believed in and I respected her decision. She had her own reasons for doing so. She too had loved someone earlier. I knew that this was hard for her too but she cared enough for me to tell me to move on.
And now that she has left me – it is just me, the pale night and the stale wine of memories. I am just living a lie. I want her but I can’t have her. I am pretending as if everything is fine. But I know she will never text me again like she used to earlier. She will never call me again to wish me on my birthday. She will never call me her close friend again. I will never cross her mind again and maybe I will not even be a part of her memories.
Things between us had ended. It was a sudden silent end. She was all gone, leaving behind beautiful memories that would haunt me for the rest of my life. As they say, "It's not the GOODBYE that hurts but the FLASHBACKS that follow."
But it is OK. I understand that she has a long journey to complete – a journey filled with success, happiness, love and peace. As for me, I know I have already completed my journey.
Remember how we chased the moon in our childhood but never really got it? It taught me that no matter how badly I wanted you, you could never be with me.
My friends asked me to move on. They said that I would be happier if I tried forgetting her. I wish I could make them understand the difference between moving on and being happy. When some people come into your life you know you will never be able to replace them even if they leave you.
I may not be a part of her life anymore but her part in my life was never going to end.
I will wait for her forever even though I know she will never return. The heart wants what it wants. Yes, I am here to stay. Just to prove you wrong. I am going to stay. I know I will lose a part of myself.
But trust me it is something worth doing for a person like you.