Drunk dialing her was the second biggest mistake of my life. It was 3 years after our breakup and after 2 years of having successfully survived depression.
I gave myself a second chance.
From Mr. Funny Bones I became a lover of silence; everything had turned upside down in the span of those 2 years.
The noise made by silence can make you deaf.
To put an end to that noise, my fingers messaged her, with permission from my heart but without telling my brain the damage it had caused. It was a war between the heart and the mind. And I was the involuntary participant from both the sides who was supposed to end this war.
I was confused because I didn’t know how to let both the heart and the mind win at the same time!
It took 6 months to patch the damage done to the heart in the last 6 years and to grab all the happiness that I had missed in the last 3 years.
Those 6 months made me realize that I was falling in love with her again but she wasn’t.
It was almost coincidental that she broke up with me on the 1st of January and I drunk dialed her three years later on the 6th of January.
6 months later was the big day, her birthday. I promised myself that I’d figure this puzzle before the big day.
In the course of figuring this puzzle, I started changing myself in the hope that she will understand me someday.
But destiny had other plans. I completed the challenge of piecing the puzzle, which resulted in a best friend forever situation. But I made the blunder of believing that I can own the Taj Mahal.
Yes, she is like the Taj Mahal and no one can own her. She is her own master.
It was a tough decision to move away again, leaving behind my love and friendship to save myself from any further damage.
I felt like a stuntman who performs stunts for a living. I felt similar because going away from her had put a dent in my life.
Lyrics started making sense, making it impossible to listen to any kind of music. Movies become the worst nightmare as they have stories that resemble your life. The realization of losing your sense of humor and wearing a fake smile actually kills you.
But the biggest thing is the loss of trust in yourself.
Whenever I feel like contacting her, I get confused because the checklist I prepared for her life is actually complete. So what's the point of being in contact and taking the risk of converting those dents into permanent damage?
In case you are wondering, here is my checklist for her. I wanted to be her biggest support. I wished to celebrate her birthday in an unforgettable way. I wanted to learn about her likes and dislikes minutely by living with her as a roommate and also surprise her with gifts and chocolates.
Lastly, to end everything on a happy note because we are not meant for each other.
It's been almost a month and I am trying hard to change myself and adapt to the current situation. But it is f*****g hard! From changing sleep cycles to leaving social media and even going on a vacation, I’ve tried everything.
The sheer thought of failing again and losing myself is scary.