I want to start this letter with only these three words: I Love you. I am sitting on my balcony, just staring at the high-rise buildings around me and I thought of writing this letter to you. Maybe I want to write those words out on a laptop which I am unable to speak. It is said that it’s easy to jot down words on a sheet of paper than to say them out loud. You brought me into this world with pain and efforts even though you had little money. Till today, even though I am 32 years old, I speak less by nature. I don’t know why or from when but yes I do know that I speak less not only with you but with everyone, maybe I am fighting with myself somewhere deep down in my heart.
This fight is because a lot happened when I grew up and became smart enough to understand everything goin on around me.
I flunked class 11 and it all started with that. I repeated a year in school knowing that people are going ahead of me. Of course, I blame myself for that because I didn’t study well. Somehow you got me into an engineering college with a donation and there also, so many backlogs couldn’t do anything good to me. So my bad luck continued because of my attitude towards studies and life. People say, “Time will never come back” and that stands true in my case, but today if I look back at those days, I can see many people just like me in their studies or maybe below me and I see them ahead of me in life. How is that possible? Is it their luck or my bad luck? This is one of the biggest questions today in my mind. Coming back to the completion of my engineering, I then went for MBA.
I believe things got a bit better with that, I got a job which headed me to my dream big city, Mumbai. With a job in my hand, and earning for myself, I felt better. It was my dream city but it had a negative point, that I was all alone and away from family. Two and half years passed, and I moved on to a new job, near home this time and that’s where my bad luck struck again. My workplace was not up to the mark and from then, a series of bad things began. I started switching jobs and never got a reliable and satisfying job like I had in Mumbai.
My current company is also going to get bankrupt soon, so the bad time still has not stopped. About all these terrible decisions I made, I have so many questions to ask myself. I wonder, why me? I know that I can stand in front of any guy who is earning better than me and I can compete with him well but I am just not getting the chance. These are the reasons I don’t speak much. It’s not like I don’t want to come back to our hometown but as a successful person not as a loser who lost his battle and came back. I have a lot to ask myself, and right now I am expecting some happiness in my world through my child.
I am not saying that when he will come, I will start talking more but he or she will definitely distract me from all this mess that’s taken up space in my shitty mind.
I care for everyone I love, but I have a different vision for everything that happens with us as a family. Sometimes my eyes don’t cry but my heart does, I don’t worship god now because I am only waiting for my prayers to be answered and it seems futile. It’s not that I compare myself to others all the time, but yes things didn’t turn out as per my plan and I totally agree that such is the case with every third person living on this planet. But yes, if I don’t deserve even 10% of what I want then it’s not worth it for me.
I am waiting for that one chance, for that stroke of luck click to strike so that things go my way and I can finally cherish my time. It’s not that I am not trying with my efforts, or that I am not working hard but still it’s not happening. Dear ma, I am hoping to fulfill my dreams and yours too.
I have no idea how much I will live but every heartbeat of mine says that I love my family, my mom, dad, sister, wife and all my family members. People who have done wrong to me or my family, I am never going to forgive them. I have held grudges against everyone, those who made us cry. I am your son and I am only proud of this fact. I know I am not worth anything but maybe someday if my time comes, I will be successful and I will worship God, I will sit with my family and smile and laugh again, but if I die before that, just keep on loving me the way you do always. I love you ma.
Love, your baby.