Something is bothering me and I am here to write it down because this is the only way I could share with you.
God, why you haven’t blessed us with equality? How beautiful the world would be if had given an equal amount of happiness and sadness in everyone’s life! After successfully fulfilling each and every step of my life, from higher education to healthy arranged marriage, I am stuck in this dilemma.
After 2 years of marriage, with a loving and caring husband, please fulfil my life with a child. It’s very painful to me when my relatives taunt me for not having a child. My mother wonders if we had made any mistakes in our marriage rituals.
My heart keeps hoping and dreaming that this time, my periods will not come. That this time, I will get good news.
Once, it happened.
I found a faint pink line on pregnancy kit. I thought the concentration of HCG is low. I shared this with my husband and he is too happy. We thanked you in the temple. But the very next morning, when I took the test again, that faint pink line got lost. My happiness keeps getting shattered like this. Now, I don’t take tests as I am fed up every time with such disappointments.
People having babies early in their marriages, sometimes even without planning! It shows how lucky and blessed they are to complete their family. But they don't show any kindness to the rest of us. They are not supportive in our journey. Instead, they throw tantrums and show us that they are better than us.
I believe in karma, but the more I see what's happening in front of me, the more I'm convinced that you give happiness only to wicked people.
You know my deeds. You know my husband, my mother and my in-laws. What have we ever done wrong? What is left for us to do? Where are we lagging behind?
I have always been kind to others, even if I don't get kindness back. I lose hope. I feel a sense of hatred within me. What’s wrong if our medical reports are fine? I keep fasts, but they are also not considered by you. You have always blessed me with good things, and I am grateful to you for this. You have blessed me with a degree of Doctorate, a Doctor husband, a blessed family.
But God, please take away my fears.
My self-confidence is getting low day by day. People say that we both are educated and we can make it. But nothing is working, God. Medical science is clueless. I can't explain this mystery in any other way.
Sometimes, I think of ending my life. So that my husband can marry someone else and finally become a father. I tried, but then I think of my father who loved me unconditionally. I am becoming hopeless day by day and I don’t even know to which God of what religion I should address next. Who will take away my worry?
If you are reading this, please hear what my tears are trying to say. This is my silent prayer. Please help me, help the needy, we're counting on you. I wish I lived in a time when I could pray to you and you would appear before me.
I know you are the supreme being. Then why are you letting people on earth live like they're better than everyone else? Why are you letting people ruin things with their pride and hatred?
Please stop this. You know what to do.
With love and faith,
You know who I am.