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Am I The Reason Behind All The Worries My Parents Have?

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I am at a point in my life where I do not know where am I heading. I am emotionally drenched, exhausted, and feel like giving up each moment. I feel alone, really alone, and not because I do not have people around me. I have many people around but I am being judged and am being shown a future which as per them I will have if I do not become what they want.

Yes I am divorced. I am 34, I work for a living, still stay with my parents, and am financially drifted as of this moment.

I smoke and sometimes drink as well, I don't go out often though with friends, as my parents don't like it very much. I do plan to move out of my parents' house very soon now as my presence/actions/anything and everything I do is not quite appreciated. When I got divorced, I wanted to move to a new city with a new job to start afresh, and I did that as well, however, I returned within 3 years, back to my parents. Now I got to know that they feel the only reason I had moved out was because I didn’t want to face the society and I pushed my parents to face them alone. Seriously? Does all this mean that my future is dark, finished? Would no guy want me to be a part of his life? Would no family take me as a part of them? Am I ruining my life?

Am I the reason behind all the worries my parents have? And if I don't change and do not become the way a girl should be as per "the society", does that mean I have ruined my life by myself? I do not have answers to these questions of course, but this is what I am told each day, and not from anyone else but my family. My own FAMILY. They feel that I am ruining my life myself. Why? Simply because I rarely take part in household chores, because when all my family members sit and chit chat I do not be a part of that conversations, and because I smoke, drink, I am financially not strong at this point and above all, because of this lifestyle I have, I will get old and fall sick way quicker and there will be no one to look after me as no one would have married me.

Basically they think that I plan to burden my family till the time either they die or I do.

Now I am out of ideas, can someone reading this please tell me where these thoughts are coming in from? Can anyone please tell me how does someone turn judgmental to an extent that they know for a fact that the other person's life is over? I cry myself to bed each night, I bury my head inside a pillow and cry/scream/howl just in the hope to calm down and start with a new day. Yes, I do feel like dying and pray as well on many nights, that I do not wake up the next morning or any morning after that. I wish I could either make my parents happy or make myself happy.

But I guess this is what we call life. Sigh.

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