I am a PhD scholar and I am supposed to be writing scientific papers. But these thoughts are not related to science in any way.

And I cannot even imagine myself expressing them to the world.

I have always been taught to be a nice and polite person. I was an obedient student and a passionate dancer. I have always lived in my own little world. My imagination helped me overcome my limitations. I have always wanted to become very successful in every sphere of my life.

But today I realize that this is not always possible and this too is absolutely OK. I just hope I don’t get accustomed to my failures.

I was brought up in Calcutta but came to Delhi to do my PhD. It was a tough decision but I had to take it because I wanted to know myself better.

I wanted to know what my priorities in life were.

I was in a relationship with a Jain guy. But it is always difficult to forge a bond when you have different food habits. Then suddenly cultural differences pop up in your relationship and you realize that it is just not worth going ahead with the relationship. So you move on. Then I met another guy during that phase. I was already struggling with my previous relationship when I met him. I realized that probably I was madly in love with him. I thought that this is what I had been waiting for.

I wanted to cherish the moments that we shared together. There was love. There was compassion. But trust? Probably not.

He always used to say that his family was his priority and his mother meant more to him than me. But I was not able to accept the reality that was in front of me.

I was chasing my expectations.

I made myself so vulnerable that I became habituated to him. He was my need. He was my love. He was my everything.

We were different. He was practical. He was selfish. I ignored everything because I loved him.

One day, we were sharing an intimate moment on the seventh floor of the hostel. Very few people generally came there in the night. I was elated because as usual, I was sharing that special moment with him. But to my surprise, it was different this time. He came up with the most surprising news.

He said he couldn’t be with me anymore because his mother did not agree to our relationship. 

He said he had been trying to tell me this for the past few days but had got the chance to do so only now. My world just collapsed. I was shattered.

I never believed that this would matter so much to me.

I just walked off with a very disappointed face. I could not stop myself from crying for the whole night. I just could not focus on my work. I could not do anything. But after two days, he came back and apologized for everything. I forgave him because I was madly in love with him. I believed him. I thought that probably his family had pressurized him to do so. I believed that it had not actually been his fault. I started talking to him again. My feelings for him were stronger this time.

I was in pain and I was full of uncertainties. But I would always wait for the moment when he hugged me at the end of the day. I used to wait for his phone calls.

Then came the hardest moment when he finally said he was going. He said he was going to the US for his post-doctoral work. I knew he would come back again. My wait for him wasn’t over as yet. I felt as if someone was just tearing me apart on the day he was leaving.

I behaved like a stupid girl and locked myself in my room and cried my heart out the whole day.

But I did my best to be normal too. I spent time with my friends and pretended that I was happy. In fact, I even missed my lab trip due to this. Finally, in the evening, I got to know from a friend of mine that he had gone to meet another girl from the same institute. She said that he had dated her before meeting me. My world shattered again. I was torn apart again. I wanted to confront him with so many things but he was not in front of me to answer me. I decided that I would not meet him when he came to meet me for the last time because I felt that he had cheated me. But again, I could not stop myself from seeing him.

I wanted to give him the final goodbye hug. I put my head on his shoulder and asked him whether he would talk to me after he reached the US. He said, “Yes.” And I believed him.

Then I dropped him at the Delhi Airport. I remember the date even today. He left 10 days before my birthday. I did not shed a single tear when we reached the airport because I believed that he would come back someday.

But then he disappeared forever.

He detached himself from all social networking sites. He did not even share his contact details with me. I knew that he did not want me in his life anymore.

I cried again but this time because it was for the better. I had become a stronger person now and could not be cheated easily.

Two years later, I got to know that he was coming back to India. Not to be with me but because he was getting married to someone else. Well, it doesn’t matter. My wait for him is over. Finally.

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