If You Ever Had A Best Friend Who Made You Feel Insecure, Read This NOW

Diksha D Diksha D in Tumse Ho Payega on 30 December, 2016

Dear High School Best Friend (who tried so hard to put me down),
The one who made me feel so insecure at times that I spent hours scrutinising myself in front of the mirror. The one who was always the princess, whose safety was always more important than mine. The one who taught me that there’s no limit to how much you can hurt another person with the magic of just words.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now. Finally, I've reached a point where I'm not afraid of what you'll say to me that'll hurt me so much that I'll spend the night in the bathroom howling. I'm a strong girl now, you'll be happy to know! So here it goes. 

Thank you, for teaching me more life lessons than what I learnt in school. Thank you for making me the person I am today, if it weren’t for all the insecurities you gifted me on a platter in school, I don’t know where I’d be today.
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You gave me this constant urge to be someone someday, someone important. Someone who is the centre of attraction, on a much larger scale of course — I got over the guy attention as soon as I saw the birth of it, to be honest. You probably got over it when you got a loyal yet rich puppy for yourself.

I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re a horrible person. And I swear to god, I hate saying this to you but you being the way you are helped me immensely in life. Remember when I lost all my friends in high school just to make you feel more comfortable in your skin? I was the most social person around but I spent the two most important years in school with you, being more bitchy and anti-social than I had imagined myself to be. Nobody liked you and you didn’t like anybody, in the process, I decided to stand up for you, expecting a lot in return. Yes, expecting a lot in return. 

But, that was the old me, you taught me to be selfless.

Every time I felt small and neglected because of how you treated me, there was a well-wisher who told me, “If you want to be friends with her, just keep doing what you’re doing but don’t expect that she’ll do the same for you. Think of this as charity.” And I did. I noted this point down and although I couldn’t practice this while we were still friends, this lesson helped me a hell lot in adulting. The day I stopped expecting things from my friends, life became that much more beautiful.

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With you, expectations used to somehow creep in from some little hollow corner of my heart. I'm sorry for that. That was probably because I was giving in too much, and everything said and done, I am no saint. So well, I stopped going out of my way. I realised it doesn’t help; if anything, it hurts like a little bitch.

You taught me, looking pretty does not make you pretty.

Look at you, you were always so pretty, you surely made many heads turn in school. But you had absolutely no friends. Now I don’t know why was that. What I do know is you could never be best friends with a girl who looked better than you. You befriended girls who were insecure of how they looked and then you ruined their idea of beauty completely. You were the kinds who made dusky women feel inferior. You’re dusky too but you couldn’t stop complaining. Your mum bought you those fairness creams when you didn’t even know how to apply it all over your face while keeping the consistency.

You looked white like a ghost for most part of your fairness cream phase till you finally learnt the trick. But your obsession with fairness made me despise the idea. It seemed like a waste of time to me — all that make up to look fair. In other words, it made me a better person, so thank you.

You called me "Moti". Although it was cute, it made me feel like a little ball of fur. It made me conscious and so I started caring about my body. I joined the gym till I looked as skinny as you. That made me look ill and so I started eating. I learnt a thing or two about body-shaming right there. Your body type didn't suit me and it was okay, I ate a little and put on just enough weight that made me feel confident. I learnt that confidence reflects on your physical appearance and that's all that matters. 

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I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. I can never get over you. I’ll always love you like I hate you.

You changed my life. You were so self-obsessed, you rubbed some of it on me. And I can’t be more grateful. It made me love myself a little, I started taking care of myself and today, I’m devoid of any insecurities as far as my looks and life are concerned.

The one time you said, “You don’t deserve a loving boyfriend, you don’t even deserve your startup.” You basically said, in other words, that I’ll fail in life. For probably the stupidest fight in the world. Well, that made me work harder and harder to prove otherwise, not for you, but for myself. 

My dear best friend, you taught me to be a strong independent woman. All those times when I had to go on boring double dates with you, where your boyfriend and his best friend were basically interested in you, I learnt a thing or two about life.

I started enjoying my loneliness in fact. The fact that you couldn’t go back home alone ever in broad daylight or late at night left basically nobody to drop me home ever, so I learnt very early on to travel alone. I would come alone and I would go back home alone as a sweet teenage girl. All for you.

I was always a girl, just like you, but you being the way you were made me an independent woman. Otherwise, I would have continued existing in this world full of opportunities. So, thank you.

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I still remember the first time I watched Sonam Kapoor’s Aisha, all I could think of was YOU. It was uncanny how her character was basically inspired by you. I would say, that's an achievement.

You being you worked out for the best for me but women putting women down is why this world needs feminism today.

I hope, in the middle of the humanitarian act you're putting on in front of the world now, you can find sometime to give this point a thought. 

Here's hoping for a constructive new year, my long lost friend.

Love always Xx